Hopes n' Dreams

*become an integral part of a band, ultimately singing would be most fulfilling
*live on the ocean for a few years
*try and walk through the desert
*find true love
*have two children and raise them to be intelligent and well-informed members of society
*never become someone else
*for once, surprise everyone and do something totally illogical
*become a master at a skill and take someone under my wing
*get in a fight and win (only if provoked)
*2 chicks at the same time
*be able to live comfortably without always trying to catch up for lost time
*write a story or book of poems and have it published
*enjoy a girl from as many countries as possible
*throw a molotov cocktail at something beautiful
*graduate college, leave it with a hopeful feeling
*not have anybody close to me die or get seriously injured
*sneak into Area 51, I know there's something in there
*overcome my irrational fears
*take a road trip out west spanning months, recording all of it
*never lose sight of what I believe in
*punch a shark in the face
*cause a public disturbance
*understand the reasoning behind oral fixations
*become closer with my dad
*go to the middle of a forest and just write what i'm feeling
*learn how to wall-jump/wall-run
*dress up in animal costumes and run around a city block
*to overcome my social anxiety
*return to the places of my childhood just for a day
*maintain a sound body and mind
*skydive (actually dive, swan dive until the last possible moment)
*see the Seven Wonders
*leave a mark on the world that people will remember after I’m gone
*die peacefully or dramatically, but not slowly
*be able to feel fulfillment even if all of these goals aren’t met

Open Letter to Tom in 20__

We will never speak to each other, unless by chance Back to the Future is real and flux capacitors really exist. You probably have all the answers and you're laughing as you're reading this. I can't wait until our minds congregate and become one, for it is then that everything will be safe. No more anger, fear, or uncertainty, only serenity and fulfillment. It seems rediculous that such a place and time exists, after repeated avalanches and earthquakes filled with the stuff of nightmares. You have already cut a hole in the spiderweb and inhaled the fresh scent of the spring air, even though it has scarred you. What i'm really looking for is the benefactor that will calm everything, to stop the winds from swirling so fast. A tiny little hourglass is slowly pouring its sands away, grain by grain. When those sands turn over, a bridge will open up and I'm going to walk across into the unknown, leaving ruins behind.

You have gone to the four corners and have seen everything. You know, where as I merely guess and hope. You are untethered and free, open and experienced. You were at my crossroads once. The footprints are now long covered with moss and debris, the roadsigns cracked and faded, but your echoes still resonate. I have no tangible evidence to base all of this fantasy upon, except for that I feel i'm destined for something. There's a guide somewhere that's watching everything unfold, writing it all down. Maybe there isn't a bridge or hourglass, maybe there's just a door. One door, one room. One turn of the handle, and every thing is left behind. Or maybe the decision isn't that obvious, perhaps i'll never even realize what's happening and layers keep adding on gradually. I just gave myself a headache.

That's another thing I have to stop doing; thinking so hard. To quote Bowie: "Lovers never lose for they are free of thought." It's the one quote that has stuck out in my mind since summer, and i've always kept it in the back of my mind. I've been looking for love, turning over every stone in order to find that precious yet evasive jewel. I'm beginning to think that I'm only hurting myself and wasting my time, but I'm always waiting for somebody to prove me wrong. When it comes to love, my vision instantly becomes that of an infant. Everything is perfect within my created bubble, until a little airhole rips open and fractures the whole thing. I have to stop worrying and hoping and just let life flow evenly. Equal parts heart and mind, instead of 90% heart. Agreeing with my last post, i'm walking through a threshold. The results will either be a glorious neverending garden of roses and sunshine, or something like has been the current trend for me. But for now, my call is being temporarily put on hold. When she answers, i'll let you know.

I need it

Threshold

I'm teetering on the threshold of a completely new and strange world. I have never been there before, although I have certainly been in this position. Once my eyes set sight on the finish line, my ethereal self races ahead and runs too fast, ultimately leaving me exhausted. It's not something I can control, my heart seems like a leech sometimes. This leech is not under my control, it just latches itself onto the nearest target. While in a way I enjoy being along for the ride that my heart takes me, I often wish that the risk wasn't so high. The chariot i'm riding in has unsteady wheels, and after repeated failure, I think I'd rather just walk. I don't know my own feelings anymore. I've felt this exact feeling, perhaps to an even higher extent before. The Round Three bell is tolling, and there isn't anything I can do to ignore its call. I'm excited though, they say three is the lucky number. I've always been lucky.

Memoir Part One

Warmth and cohesiveness, all bundled together in a perfectly isolated dome. Four Towns, first taste of the world. The grimy yet comforting feel of the gravel on your hands, not caring if your new jeans got ripped or dirtied. The horses ran free here, innocence was eternal, happiness was a constant cascading river with each of us a trout swimming with the current, not against it. The world was too massive for my naive self to comprehend, so I chose to only accept the joy. The soles of our shoes imprinted among that primordial soil on the playgrounds epitomized our genuine untethered aspirations of happiness. However, just as a pendulum swings, warmth must always give way to cold. The first snowflakes started to fall on August 1, 1999.

I accepted the sharp contrast of familiar to strange like a tree tries to resist a a team of lumberjacks. My resistance was futile, no amount of tears or begging would allow me to remain in my little bubble. Without the familiar environment that I always took for granted, I collapsed into a hole within myself. My world had been shrunk into a little snowglobe, and this strange new world that thrust upon me was suffocating. I had to return to square one, but this time I was doing it on my own. As I walked down the elongated hallways, my psyche pulsating with tension and fear, I wanted to cry out for acceptance. The ghosts of what I used to be were just that, memories. Youth had been melted into a bubbling concoction of innocence, laughter, and spirit, slowly evaporating by the day. It took two years until my pot simmered away, leaving a cloudy, unsure future.

Agrabah

I am human, epitome of sin
Fleeting wretches dart about, I watch
And casually pick a lotus from the garden
Upon its uprooting a mist fills the air
Azure fog blankets all vision, a voice booms
Robin Williams, voice of Genie, grants me
a trilogy of wishes, each one a step out of this pit
I ask for fire to burn and eradicate
I ask for ice to soothe and alleviate
I ask for light to erase and eliminate
Genie takes my hand, wisps me into nothing

Real quick

So i've got roughly 3 minutes to write all this down, but I should know all about it since we did this back in middle school. It says i'm a green, but I think that blue and to a lesser extent orange are my real colors. Becuase I really don't have any time to devote to my explanation, let me leave you with a question:

If a blue and a yellow have sex, does a green pop out of them?

1.17.06 10:10am

Here I am, under the rule of one Jim Walsh, for the third consecutive year. That bastard says that I can't say anything about killing anyone or hurting anyone, but luckily I can say they are a poophead. There are a few people in this class I would classify as poopheads, but maybe if I get to know them and if they use elaborate vocabulary such as "scooters" and "vacation" they might be cool. Luckily nobody will ever read this because of my clever title. This gives me the freedom to write whatever I want in here. Matt Millen, what a guy. That's TWO Ms, MM, like this guy I work with, Matt Meyers. Matt is a good quality worker, and a genuine good guy through and through. But that's a little anecdote without any real substance, speaking of substances, on New Years I had some substances. I also got kicked out of a house with most of my close friends, got picked up by someone who I thought was a genuinely good person, and although it seems on paper like a terrible time in reality it was the best way to end a year. Never have I felt so alive, but that time has come and gone. Are paragraphs neccessary? Paragraphs are SO 2006. I have never been to Dublin, in fact I've never been outside this country. I've seen Canada, and I've been in LA which is quite close to Mexico, but never have I had the pleasure to enjoy the purchasing of substances on the cheap in another country-I mean enjoy the local flora and fauna. I think its time for a new paragraph, this is beginning to run on, like that bitch's nose after I socked her one.

All kidding aside, i'm not a mean guy, I don't hit people unless they really deserve it. In fact there really haven't been many people that I have felt have deserved 5 knuckles to the face. But god willing someday I will cross paths with that person, and justice will be delivered. In a way all those Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel jokes have really made an impact on me as a person. Those guys are like father figures. One day i'm going to roundhouse kick like Chuck, and wear shades and streetrace like Vin. Punching is easier than kicking i've found, maybe it's because my leg muscles aren't as well developed, but this is strange because you can lift more weight with your legs. I hope I never go to prison. It'd be a letdown to myself and to everyone I know, but I guess nobody would fuck with me then, because i've been in prison right, so i'm a badass. Anyway, piano is next, where i'm the 13th person out of 12 in the class. My ex girlfriend is in the class also, hopefully it isn't that awkward. Within the next year I hope to really flex my musical muscle. With this piano class, and with this guitar that I'm getting soon, and with my ultimate dream of singing, i'm sure something will work out. Anyway, that's enough for 20 minutes. Stay classy San Diego.