Haven't updated all summer - so much has come and gone, passed through me like the wind. Those four months were as close to magic as I've gotten, considering I lived alone for most of them. It was a period of self-reflection, of experimentation, of relaxation, of comfort and happiness. As soon as it started, it ended, and everything was boxed up and sent back on its way. I have returned to Allendale under a different mindset, and certainly wearing different shoes (almost)

I thought out loud today that I feel like I can never balance anything correctly. For the longest time I have been trying to make up for lost time, trying to have the fun I should have been having years ago. For most of my life I've been a spectator, and it really is crushing when anxiety gets the best of you and silences your tongue without your consent. I don't know if everyone feels this way, or how I can solve it. This haunts me periodically, and I can pinpoint more or less the catalyst that started the spiral this time. The answer I've always thought lay in a clear and comfortable future, but thinking that way has led me to the hole I'm currently in.

It feels to me that speeding towards the future has caused me to completely ignore the present. The present is not happy about that, and is letting me know. Isolation is a very common thing for me. I was put off by a comment I heard last week - "I never go anywhere without someone." I almost laughed at this; I hardly go anywhere with someone. Independence is in my blood, as is moving your roots around, as are communication breakdowns. Nothing explains them though. It totally blows my mind that such specific traits and parts of my life seem to be genetically passed down. I wish I knew why, I wish I knew the real reason. Maybe I'll never find out. I don't think anybody does - they just find a reason to move along and find peace with the harsh environment we live in.

Part of all this is the fear that I'm experiencing, the fear of how the goals and hopes I had as a wide-eyed underclassman have still remained just blips on the far-off horizon. I feel like I'm being thrust into a world that I'm not comfortable with entering just yet.